Warning: Very depressing blog ahead. Turn back now...or just know that you've been warned.
Every so often I go through one of these spells in my life where I feel as though I'm completely alone and isolated. I think it started when I was in my teenage years and went through a two month bout of clinical depression and the feelings of cynicism and doubt and self hatred (some say I had been congealed) have just carried over (not so strong anymore, thankfully).
This week's episode is about friends, or lack thereof. I know I have friends, very close friends, I just feel as though they have all but disappeared. I know they're out there, but I feel I no longer have a place in their lives. I feel like I have been demoted to “acquaintance”, or “old friend”. This may have to do with the fact that ALL of my friends live in a different city than I do, most are actually across the country or in a different country. I used to be so close to all of them, but I have been relegated to someone who receives an occasional e-mail (especially from those who live overseas).
So, this begs the question...what's wrong with me? Do I not know how to make meaningful relationships last? I have had a string of very close friends who just disappear from my life. Is that my fault or has everyone else's life just moved on without me? I feel more than disposable. I have always had a small, close group of friends, I'm not one to have a lot of acquaintances. I've never needed quantity, having as many people as possible around me, just quality. I put a lot of myself into my relationships and have a tendency to trust and have the possibility of being taken advantage of (that, thankfully, has never happened to my knowledge).
So, all I can do is look inward and try to be the best friend to people as I can be. I guess when it comes down to it I really just miss my friends terribly. Why can't I make meaningful friends who live in my town? That would be helpful. I guess the fact that I tend to choose my friends carefully makes it difficult. Sometimes I wish I weren't so picky, that I was outgoing. But, I have to work with what I have. It also has to do with the fact that when I meet someone new, I always think that they don't like me (it's those damn insecurities). Maybe I'm too shy and don't take enough chances....
Or, I could just be utterly boring. :o)
All I know is that no matter what, I'll always have my best friend in my husband.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
No Pity Allowed
Posted by Allison Bonner at 8:19 PM
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4 comments:
Allison: you are not boring. And any chick who can keep down a fried Twinkie is a warrior, in my humble opinion.
I feel the same way sometimes. I feel that myself and morgan drifted apart. But there is really nothing that can be done about it. We emailed and called for the first few months. Over time your long distance friends just lose out to the here and now. Long distance relationships are uber hard to make go wether dating or friendship.
I feel alot of regret over not staying closer to morgan and other friends as well. So i see where you are coming from. I don't pity you i understand. Just keep your chin up. You two can head out to local social events and make new friends it helps fill in the void of your long term friends you miss daily.
Wow Fife! What the heck is going on? So what if you can't make friends in SC- you got another cat so what more do you want? Or is it because you are turning 25 in a few weeks and you're feeling old? That must be it!
Seriously, I must take offense at the thought that you feel your old friends are moving on without you. As an old and hopefully forever friend, I can only speak for myself when I say go cry yourself to sleep on your huge pilla'. Just because we don't live in the same city or talk on the phone every day, I don't feel like we've grown apart. I'm pretty damn proud of the fact that we've now been friends apart longer than we were actually friends going to school together. DOn't make me start quoting beaches and steel magnolias so that you know I love you more than my luggage. While I think it is a good idea to make new friends, don't discount the "old" ones that live out west. We know you and love you for the congealed girl that you are. Sometimes life just stinks, or is lonely, and that's okay as long as you remember that it's temporary. Besides, I don't have any new friends. Just kids. ANd frankly they're the most selfish friends I've ever had- so time consuming. But they will never replace my button-phobic, sour, funny, sweet, and loyal best friend Small One. Cheer up. You're going to a tropical paradise with friends in like two months. I love you and I'll talk to you soon.
Oh Jay, you are one of the very few friends who are exempt from this blog entry, I thought you would have known that. I would never say that we have grown apart or lost touch. You are my one solid rock (besides Morgan, of course).
Now I must go finish eating a whole bag of dark chocolate covered pretzels and cry myself to sleep... :o)
p.s. props for using a bad word in your post! he he he.
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